Halloween Spooktacular:Halloween: Christmas without the Annoying Music

Halloween: Christmas without the Annoying Music
by Kobra Kid


So Donna contacted me the other day and asked me if I could pretty please write a guest post for BLH this month. And I was like, Uhh... [Insert deer-in-headlights look here.]

I have no idea what the hell I'm doing. I've never written a guest post before. I don't even blog! I mean, I write book reviews and post them at Angel's Cove, but that's different, right? Who wants to read what I have to say about just, like, random stuff? And what am I even supposed to talk about, I wondered? October/autumn/Halloween doesn't really narrow it down all that much, to be honest.

But then, last Sunday, I was out doing my weekly shopping and pondering this pressing question. I shuffled morosely--morosely because it's been cold and gray and miserable here in Ohio--through the front doors of my local Cheap Outsourced Goods Emporium. And then, I saw them. Pumpkins! Immediately, I threw my arms into the air like my team had just scored a goal, squealed, "Oh my god, pumpkins!" and launched myself full-tilt into the produce section to enthusiastically plunder the pumpkin bin.

For the record, I am 26.

Ah, joy! How I love pumpkins. They give us such a wealth of delicious things to enjoy: pumpkin pies, pumpkin bread, pumpkin soup, pumpkin cookies, pumpkin spice lattes. Even MORE pumpkin spice lattes. (What? I'm a fan.) And they give us important, life-altering information. In our modern technological era, how many people really pay attention to solstices and equinoxes and that sort of thing? Most of us are minimum-wage zombies, or not much better, slogging our way through day-to-day life in a mindless stupor, and we barely even register the changing of one month into the next, let alone the changing of seasons. But when the pumpkins come out, that's when you know autumn has officially arrived.

Oh, October. I take back everything bad I ever said about you.

So there I was, ass-up in the pumpkin bin trying to find the best and brightest, and that's when it hit me. That's what I'll write about! No, not pumpkins. Well, not entirely. I thought to myself: Self, we'll write about how awesome Halloween is!

And just what is so awesome about Halloween, you might ask? Only EVERYTHING. It's like Christmas, except without all the attending crappiness.

I mean, Christmas is okay. I guess. If you're religious. Or if you enjoy forking over even more of your hard-earned money to the wealthy corporations who have co-opted the holiday in order to cash in on rampant consumerism. But for non-believers like me, and those of us too poor to get into the gift-giving spirit, the Christmas season is basically a month-long inconvenience. By the time I've heard the fifty-thousandth iteration of Jingle Bell Rock, or fought in a caged death match just to buy a gallon of milk, I'm ready to punch the next person who has the nerve to wish me a happy holidays.

But Halloween is great. For a holiday that started out very much as a religious observance, it has become refreshingly secular. Naturally, there is an overarching theme of the supernatural, but nobody expects you to actually believe in ghosties and ghoulies. Well, most people don't, and those who do are usually the ones that lock themselves up in their houses and refuse to pass out candy because "Halloween is the Devil's holiday!" Pish posh. Un-wad your panties, Aunt Mabel. If anything, Halloween is about showing remembrance and respect for the dead.

But mostly it's about candy.

Obviously, Halloween is another holiday businesses exploit to rake in more cash. They all want you to buy things--candy, costumes, decorations. And pumpkins, of course. But on the bright side, nobody will think you're a heathen if you don't. Your neighbors aren't going to judge you for not, say, sticking a scarecrow in your living room, or putting a jack-o-lantern on your front porch for people to sneer at and say, "Oh, those people. Flaunting their non-religious holiday. Why don't they just keep it to themselves?" And most importantly, nobody expects you to blow your paycheck on gifts for your family and friends. Just get those bitches some chocolate. Bitches love chocolate.

Or caramel apples. Mmm, caramel apples...

I mean, that's the best thing about October, right? It's basically a month-long festival of guilty indulgences. For most of us, as we get older (I'm almost 30! I'll be needing a walker next!) and realize our metabolism has forsaken us, we have to start watching what we eat, lest we end up generating our own gravitational pull. But when the stores start hawking Halloween treats, it's a chance to relax, to let ourselves go and live a little, without feeling like we're committing some unpardonable sin. An orange-frosted cupcake here, a Reese's cup there. A little candy corn. Oh, those fun-size Snickers really are fun to just pop in your mouth and suck until they dissolve into melty chocolate-caramel-peanutty goodness. Ah, such delicious bliss! And what's it really going to hurt? Aside from your waistline, of course. But there are eleven other months to count calories and stress over inches and pounds, right? Besides, Thanksgiving and Christmas are right around the corner, and what holiday season is complete without feeling bad about yourself around your family.

But who can feel bad when you're dressed like a pirate, or a naughty nurse, or a freakin' fairy princess? Unlike Christmas, when you have to put on clothes you hate and suffer through varying levels of discomfort for the next MILLION @!#$%&* YEARS, on Halloween you can wear whatever you want. You can wrap yourself in a bedsheet, call it a toga (just be careful about your choice of headwear), and go gallivanting around your local grocery store. No one will look at you twice. Well, they might, but hey, screw 'em. For this one day out of the year, you can wear anything your heart desires, be anything.

On Halloween, you can be a seductive vampire vixen, a ninja, a busty bar wench. You can even throw on a tux, stick on some fake beard, and be a dude for a day. Or, if you are a dude, slip on a sequined dress and some high heels, and sing I Feel Pretty after a few martinis at the office costume party. Or how about dressing up like your favorite rock star? Or movie hero? Cartoon character? Or if you're feeling self-conscious because you've put on a few pounds, you can just wander around all day in your pajamas with a big teddy bear and tell everyone you're going as your inner child.

How awesome is that?!

In short: Four for Halloween. You go, Halloween! And none for Christmas, bye.


Kobra Kid, signing off.
[You can't stop the signal.]

Thanks so much for Guest Posting today, Kobra Kid is a dear friend of mine so I appreciate her stopping by. Remember all comments count as extra entries.